Monday, December 29, 2008

What can 2009 hold for me....and the rest of the U.S.???

I created this site, just to get away and have a place to vent. We are not always "open" about our lives, and my other site is established - so it is a different persona. Is that fair? I'm not sure, but there are times, the suffering or emotional roller coaster I am on - becomes too overwhelming.

Financially, I am about to have a meltdown. My house is paid for and my pension JUST pays the monthly bills. If it were not for my son, Christmas would have been a disaster. He helps me out, and I feel like a burden - and I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. If my physical health were better, I would be fine with even a part-time position, but even that is an impossibility right now. I have never worked a job where I did not give a minimum of 100% - I just don't see where I could be employed that didn't involve sitting or standing - both of which I cannot handle. Damnit!! I feel like a horse that needs to be shot and put out of my misery.

My son more or less supplements my income, for food and extras...but this is not his job in life. I have to get my Social Security disability and things should improve, but we know how the government speed...slow!

I am not a very good "resolution" maker/keeper, but this year...I am definitely going to try. First, I definitely want to QUIT smoking. With my past heart history, I should have quit a long time ago...but the Irish/stubborn side of me has not succeeded. Of course, the LOSE WEIGHT issue needs to be addressed as well.

If I tell anyone/someone of my intentions, I will not even have a chance. I have not told my children, as I am going to try my level best at these challenges. Commonly, as soon as say I am going to do "something", and I fail...there are the "I told you Si's" and "loser", only to mention a couple. This challenge is for me and me alone - success or failure to be dealt with BY me. Admittedly, I have absolutely NO willpower, and challenges are quite difficult...but honestly, I will try.

So much for my daily vent...I will return at some time soon, I hope. TTFN.

1 comment:

Utah Savage said...

Oh Christ, I should have been here long ago. This feels just like home. Do you have a disability lawyer? In Utah, the first time you apply for disability the state turns you down just to seed out those so ill or fucked up that the either drop dead or kill themselves--cuts down on disability payments to the impatient. Second time you have the temerity to try again, they turn you down just for fun. If you can find someone with skill in the social services to tell you the truth you can't get through the system without a disability atty. I was lucky, got a good atty who assembled all my medical records, hospitalizations, etc, and filed for a court date. I was such a mess the day we appeared, I wore my pajamas to the hearing. Basically black sweats, but slept in for a couple of days. I lucked out and got a judge filling in for one of the Mormon Judges. This judge was from Las Vegas and was remarkably kind considering. The sad part is that had I made it through the system when I first applied, I'd have been awarded a lot more money. It's based on you income from your most recent work, tax records. I'd spent almost four years taking care of my mother and then time in the looney bin and then living on credit cards. I got the lowest possible disability payment, but they do have to pay you from the first time you apply, if you eventually make it through the maze. I also had to file bankruptcy. All I have is a house. Thank god it's paid for. No mortgage, or I'd be fucked for real.

I smoke. Happily I have no children or any relatives for that matter who want me to stop. I have heart problems, but they are genetic. I've been smoking for 59 years and I'm healthier than almost all my non smoking friends, all two of them. I've told my doctors I will not quit, so take that off the nagging table. It is not going to happen. Besides nicotine is an antidepressant. And works with all the major antidepressants without any drug interactions.

Bla, bla, bla. Jesus, I bet your glad I dropped by. I've probably written more in my comment than you wrote in your post. I don't even know what your disability is. I'm obviously crazy, or I'd have shut up by now.

Sorry. But all I really meant to say, was I understand and feel your pain.

And you look great in those glasses. I covet a pair just like yours.